Rules of The Road

I spend a lot of my time here in LA on the road, and as such I have observed a few things that seem to be common truths with most of the people on the roads. If you just follow these simple rules, you won't find me yelling at you when I finally get to somewhere I can pass your dumb, slow-drivin ass.

IF YOU ARE IN THE FUCKING FAST LANE, YOU HAVE TO DRIVE FASTER THAN 65!!!! You stupid asshole, if you want to only drive the speed limit, thats fine, and kudos to you for having the forsight and planning ability to leave on time. However, please understand that some of us may be be running a little late, traffic might be worse than expected, or for whatever reason, we HAVE TO MOVE FASTER THAN YOU!!!!!!!!!! And, in many cases, the slow traffic is YOUR FAULT anyways!!! So, if you refuse to drive in the 75-80 range, get the fuck over to the right.

Also, if you are at a light with an unprotected left, PULL INTO THE FUCKING INTERSECTION!! If you just pull forward ten feet, you not only will still be safe, but you will also allow TWO more people to go. So don't be an asshole, just pull forward. Its not that hard. Just tap the tall skinny pedal on the right. You can do it. Come on.

When it's raining, you don't have to slow down to 35 mph. You can keep going a relatively decent speed. It's not 1967 when the roads were made of tar and all the oil would float to the surface. The roads are concrete...and you know those little grooves in the road? they're there to sluice away the excess water so you don't hydroplane. you can keep driving at a good clip, and if you feel yourself start to hydroplane, just take your foot off the gas. you'll get your car under control and make it.

Don't pace the cars next to you. if you're in the fast lane go slightly faster than the car to your right. same if you're in the middle. if you pace people, others can't pass you, and sometimes they need to.

Pay attention to whats going on around you. Check your review and side mirrors often, at least a few times a minute. If you see someone coming up behind you fast, or riding your ass, move over to the right so they can pass. They're not supposed to pass on the right, so you need to move over for them to pass.

I have had many different cars in the 10 years since I got my license. Some of them were little gutless wonder 4 bangers, and some were 8 cylinder beasts. In not a single one of them have I EVER had trouble getting up to 65 on the on-ramp to the freeway. The point of an on-ramp is to allow you to get your speed about equal to that of the flow of traffic. Next time you are going 45 when you are getting into the flow of traffic, I'm going to throw a shake on your windshield.

If you too obey these simple rules of the road, the whole world will be a happier, more harmonious place.